My best friend got married yesterday and I wasn’t there. I traveled 2000 miles to be there. I am in her state – hell I am in her city – but I was not at her wedding.
This should hurt. I should feel some sort of pull at my heart. Some broken dreams or crushed feelings that have me reeling where I stand. Instead, I feel relief.
Ours has been a friendship of extremes. We have long been ‘too much’ for most people. We couldn’t ever do anything half-assed, and in college, we excelled at being assholes. We drank too much, talked shit too much, and just generally made poor life decisions on the regular.
Don’t get me wrong, we were not criminals and we never intentionally hurt others. We’ve specialized in being destructive for one another.
Since the beginning, the basis of our friendship has been who could outdo the other, or simply who could throw the hardest punch. This happened in many ways. She got her master’s degree before I did and then spent several years rubbing it in my face. I went back to school just to spite her. We struggled with our weight together and worked our asses off to lose it. When she felt the need to state that her ass looked better than mine, I made it a point to say my weight out loud as it was lower than hers. Every single action and word has been a jab at the other.
Even though all of this she was still my best friend. The Cristina Yang to my Meredith Grey. My person. (We even have the matching tattoos to prove it!)
When she told me she was getting married and asked me to be a bridesmaid I expressed my opinion of her fiancé. It was not the first time I explained that I did not like him. I had been open about this from the first time that I met him. I get that gut feeling that something is off. That stranger-danger, put my keys between my fingers as I walk through the dark, constantly aware of my surroundings, sick to my stomach feeling when I am around him. I cannot even pinpoint exactly what about him I dislike and distrust, it is a combination of a million different things.
When I reminded her of this she quickly retracted her invitation. She took the opportunity to explain that not only did I not need to be in the wedding, but as I didn’t make as much as her (something she’s always been good at reminding me) she knew it would be expensive to attend so I didn’t even need to worry about that. She mumbled something about me getting an invitation in the mail.
I booked a flight just in case. The plan was to be here if she changed her mind.
The invitation never came. Neither did the details.
I still boarded the flight and I still made the trip. I was strategic in how it has played out. I planned my entire adventure around her wedding day, making sure to leave myself available should she call me last minute and need a pep talk or a getaway car.
The call never came, and I’m okay with that.
Even though I still consider her a friend, and she is likely the person I would call if I needed to do some hood-rat activity that would land me in jail – we are not the same people we were at 20 years old. We have grown up and unfortunately, that means we’ve grown apart.
I’m not sure where we stand in our relationship. I am not even sure I’m ready to know. I just know that there is an obvious change happening and I am ready for it. I’m sure she is too.
:: Article previously posted on OnMogul.com (https://onmogul.com/stories/growing-up-and-letting-go) ::