Some time ago I was scrolling through Instagram and saw this post by one of my favorite poets, Trista Mateer.
It hit me hard.
I’m sure that I am over-simplifying the meaning that Trista had when she wrote this sentence – but I felt it quite literally.
Just a few short years ago I felt comfortable in my own skin. It was home. It was a place I had battled with for many years only to finally come out on top.
Now, my body feels foreign to me again. There isn’t a single moment in the day where I can honestly say ‘this body is home’. It’s weird, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s incredibly disorienting.
I’ve experienced weight gain and swelling. Irregular periods. Severe cramping. Exhaustion. Yet I can’t seem to sleep through the night. Confusion. Consistently losing train of thought.
The general feeling that I’ve been hit by a truck. I’ve been breaking out. My skin is dry.
I’ve been through countless doctors visits followed by lab work, ultrasounds, and biopsies. All of this trying to figure out why my body is no longer my own.
With the physical aspect of who I am in a complete tailspin – it has begun to impact my mind. Am I going crazy? Am I making these symptoms up? Is there something I am doing wrong that is causing all of this to happen to me?
How is it possible that the one thing I should always be able to count on is currently something that feels so terribly foreign to me?
Is there an end in sight? I sure hope so.
I’m trying to focus on more holistic and natural ways of regulating my body. More water. More sleep. More yoga. Things I have total control over.
Have you ever experienced this? What are some ways that you have found that help you to feel more connected with your own body again?